My Point of View, Yours, or the Third Way
Most conflicts are about a point of view. We argue about our differences in recalling the facts of an event. We say this happened like this and get upset when our partner disagrees. Or we have a conviction about something and want to persuade our partner that they should agree with us. When they don’t we get upset. We might be really into something and want our partner to appreciate it too. We feel dismissed if they don’t have the same kind of enthusiasm. Hoping our partner will love something as much as we do or pitting our point of view against theirs leads to stress and misery. So why do we do it? How come we so easily get into these kinds battles?
One reason couples get into battles, is that they see their point of view as part of their identity. They think it defines them as who they are. Letting go of their opinion is like giving up on a part of themselves. Therefore they fight to hold themselves together.
Another is that couples get into power struggles. This manifests in an attempt to elevate one or put the other down. For example, language like ‘You must be blind not to be able to see what is really going on.’ Or ‘You are completely missing the point. You just don’t get it.’ Or ‘You are going crazy, how come you don’t remember that?’ In conflicts around power, it often doesn’t matter what the subject is. Anything can become the source of a power struggle.
The solution to both types of argument requires awareness and courage. In the identity argument couples need to remind themselves, their views are not who they are but are positions they take. These positions are not fixed in themselves but are relative. They are relational. If one partner changes their view, the other has to change too. Anyone can move and change position. Importantly though each of you is informing the other’s position in subtle ways. For instance, one partner might say, ‘You won’t like this such and such...’ and by saying that, they are immediately placing their partner in opposition. The more one partner moves into a fixed position, the more the other is induced to take an oppositional position.
Couples often get hung up on an objective truth which fuels some of the most malignant arguments. In reality there is no such thing as one objective truth. Only different angles of a greater truth that none of us can see. Think of it like being in a beautiful landscape somewhere and one partner is in a different place to the other. They both have different views of the same landscape, but neither of them have any overall view of the entire place. Both of them are looking at different aspects. With some courage and flexibility, either partner can change their position and attempt to see the other’s outlook.
A fun way of working with this is to literally swap positions with your partner in the room, switch chairs or take different ends of the sofa, and then start talking as if you held your partner’s opinions. Both of you then have an experience of standing in each other’s shoes and getting a glimpse of each other’s world. When couples try this, they often find it is not difficult to take the other view after all. Then the realisation usually follows that what was keeping them stuck was staying in a position they were comfortable with relative to the other. This often brings a great sense of freedom which then unlocks the ability to explore another position, which I call the ‘third way’.
Another reason this works so well is that you hear your partner talking about your point of view and this helps you to feel you are understood and validated by your partner. You see that they actually do get your point of view. It also allows you to be more objective about your view. You can hear it and see it outside.
When couples can relinquish their positions in a locked binary system of the couple, the ‘third way’ will often show itself as a possibility. The third way may have aspects of each position or none. It arises out of a completely new coalition between partners. The third way is a superior solution to either of the other positions because both of you have found it together. It includes both of your values within it. Both have gained. Both have given up fixed positions and found the ‘third way’.