Sex During Covid and How to Have More of It
In the first study to perform a preliminary exploration of sexual behaviour during the COVID-19 outbreak, this research from China shows that sex diminished between married couples with 36% of married men and 28% of married women reporting a decrease in the frequency of sexual activities during confinement. There was a similar decrease in sexual satisfaction with 32% of men and 39% of women experiencing a reduction in sexual satisfaction. Twenty-five percent of the participants experienced a reduction in sexual desire.
The study does not explore the reasons for these results but we know that healthy sexual relationships need space for desire and eroticism to flourish. When there is a degree of physical and emotional separation, partners can develop greater objectivity, allowing them to see and appreciate each other’s uniqueness and differences, necessary for optimal erotic intimacy.
Couples who are independent whilst having a good bond with each other are more likely to create attraction between them. Leaving the home for work or any other reason gives space for simmering sexual thoughts and developing feelings of longing. In contrast, the certainty of having your spouse constantly around can breed boredom and a loss of identity. Those with the greater need for psychological space are prone to feeling engulfed by the constant presence of their partner. Others needing more closeness are delighted their spouses are at home; they have the contact they were missing. But this can set up a difficult dynamic where the partner needing more separation is constantly withdrawing, pursued by the partner wanting closeness. Eventually this can lead to both partners feeling angry and closed down.
Self-esteem is a natural regulator in how you engage in erotic touch and sexual activity. When you’re not feeling good about yourself, it’s unlikely you will feel sexy. Yes, it does happen the other way around too. You might look for self-validation through sex with your partner, but this is usually unsatisfactory, as your partner is likely to sense your agenda.
Going out to work, having purpose and being useful, fulfil a universal human need to be significant in the world. We define ourselves through our activities. We relish being seen and appreciated. Interactions with colleagues, the glances and gazes of strangers in cafes, on trains and in the street, all help us to feel part of society and that we matter. When we matter, we feel good about ourselves. We feel charged for erotic exchange. The loss of these life experiences and social opportunities can mean we feel disempowered, depleted and depressed.
Some people are experiencing heightened anxiety and stress, even trauma. Whilst some thrive on uncertainty and risk, others are thrown back to memories of adverse childhood experiences where confinement and the unknown was terrifying.
Being present for your partner when times are difficult is an essential component of intimate relationship, but is rarely sexy. Empathic listening and compassion are beneficial skills when your partner can open their feelings to you. But if they are more of the withdrawing type and don’t communicate that way, you may end up frustrated, not knowing what is wrong. Or you may be the one needing emotional support and find that neither of you have the capacity to give and get what you both need most. In these circumstances anger and arguing can result, to the detriment of the relationship.
Couples who can self-soothe in difficult circumstances are more likely to find equilibrium both within and without and build healthy eroticism in their relationships. Acclaimed psychosexual and relationship therapist Dr David Schnarch’s Four Points of Balance is a useful tool.
The first point of balance to work on is what he calls the ‘Solid Flexible Self’, which he defines as the ability to know who you are in the relationship. Many rely too much on the self they get from others which he calls the ‘reflected self’. Developing a solid flexible self means working on defining your core values and self-worth from within, irrespective of what others think or do.
The second point of balance is ‘Quiet Mind, Calm Heart’ which is the ability to manage your anxiety, thoughts and feelings by soothing yourself and finding balance within.
The third point of balance is ‘Grounded Responding’ which means regulating your emotions, neither overreacting nor under-reacting. The point here is to respond, not react. Dr Schnarch quotes a saying: ‘Marriage is improved by the two or three things not said each day.’ By this he means withholding critical, blaming or angry remarks.
The fourth point of balance is ‘Meaningful Endurance’ referring to the ability to tolerate discomfort for growth and absorbing hardship and disappointment, bouncing back from defeat.
These four points of balance are developmental tools for human growth and are helpful guides in most situations, especially in times of difficulty. It’s worth remembering that you are always the primary factor in your relationship, so getting yourself on track will give you both the best chance of pulling through together. Of course the same applies to your partner, but they may not have the capacity at the same time as you do.
Eroticism depends on you and your partner being different enough to create a change between you. This can mean taking risks in conversations, from the political to the personal. Expressing your views if you know they are different from your partner’s can seem scary if you depend on their approval, as in a reflected sense of self (point one above). The flip side of this is the ability to be curious about your partner’s different views without getting annoyed and defensive. When both of you can feel safe and appreciated for your differences, you can explore more intimate territory such as your deepest feelings, sexual thoughts and fantasies. This can lead to experimentation in the bedroom, opening to new ways to arouse and enjoy each other.
On a final note, in contrast to the findings on sex during Covid, the Chinese study also has implications for sex after Covid. The study found 32% of men and 18% of women indicated they were more likely to increase the number of sexual partners or risky sexual behaviours once the pandemic had ended. Assuming this study can be generalised to other populations, this could mean a significant increase in sexually transmitted diseases and consequences for all sexual relationships going forward.