Two Wolves

‘Two wolves live within each of us’ said the old Cherokee grandmother to his grandson. ‘These wolves are fighting. They want different things. One wolf hungers for all that goes wrong and thrives on hatred and strife. The other has an appetite for the things that go right and flourishes on love and beauty’. The grandson asks, ‘which wolf wins the fight?’ ‘The one you feed’ replies the old Cherokee grandmother. 

This story is pertinent to couple relationships. Because when we get together with a partner, we find we can resolve the internal fight between the wolves within us by exiling one of the wolves into our partner. This is why it is common for couples to get polarised in fights about right or wrong. One is the complainer and moaner to whom nothing is good enough. The other is positive and bright; life’s alright. These are the two wolves split between you. Which one do you feed, meaning which one do you give attention to? If one is feeding the optimistic positive wolf, the other feeds the angry pessimistic wolf. They end up feeding the wolf in opposition to their partner. Couples often don’t realise that, were they to be alone, they might feed the other wolf. 

Neuroscience tells us the brain has a negative bias. We are alert to danger and threat. It takes practice to wilfully feed the wolf of love and positivity. That practice can be a life’s work stepping into love and benevolence. Make it your practice to see the two wolves in your partner and acknowledge their battle. If you see the angry wolf, you can help them by holding in your awareness the presence, although maybe hidden, of the wolf that is joy and love which needs more food. But that’s not to say the other wolf must starve. If we ignore the wolf of hatred, it becomes more powerful and all the more fearsome. We need to calm the wolf of hatred by acknowledging its presence. It is there to protect us after all. It wants our safety. 

You won’t pull your partner out of negativity by trying to convince them all the more that everything is rosey. Only be acknowledging that you too have the wolf of hate but that you choose to feed the wolf of love can you restore balance and harmony.