Bonding Patterns in Relationships

Relationship is not a simple interaction between one person and another. Because within each of us we have a family of different selves which developed in response to challenges we met when we grew up. Each self is there to protect us in some way. When we are with our partner, we are relating between one or another of these selves in us and them. We are not necessarily relating to the same self of our partner that we met a moment before. And there are some selves within each of us would prefer not to know, and so keep out of awareness. 

When we connect to our partners, we may not be aware of our bonding pattern. There are common patterns in all relationships, the most common of these is the parent / child pattern. This is unconscious and, in its nurturing aspect, works to the benefit of the relationship. An example of this might be you asking your partner for their opinion, seeking reassurance which they willingly give. In this instance you are adopting the child role and your partner is adopting the parent role and both of you are comfortable doing so. 

When a bonding pattern switches to its negative aspect, it can be very confusing. An otherwise great relationship is taken over as if by a spell. This is likely to happen when we get stressed or anxious where the positive dynamic can switch very quickly. When this happens couples are often derailed. There can be an icy change which is opposite to the usual warmth between you. It’s like a kind of spell takes over which can take days to discharge. In this switch of dynamic, the critical parent self emerges. In the example given earlier, your partner in their critical parent self might rebuff you, ask you to make your own mind up and that they don’t have time right now. This might not normally be too troublesome for you.

But in a negative bonding pattern something else important happens here. Because this is a dynamic, when one partner changes position, it pulls the other partner into a different position too. In the example above, the critical parent will invite the hurt, vulnerable child to emerge in you. You will respond according to your childhood experience with the critical aspect of your parent or carer. But when a heavy negative spell takes over between you, this is usually a signal that you are deeply wounded by your partner’s response. It may seem a completely disproportionate response to you, but that’s even more evidence that you are stuck in a negative bonding pattern throwing you back into the wounded child / critical parent relationship of your history. 

The way out of the spell is not necessarily easy, especially if the wounding you feel is deep. You have to name the feeling that is being pulled up in you. Go there and talk about the wounding you feel. See if you can make the links to your vulnerable child self. By doing this you will be engaging your present adult self and helping to build a connection to the adult self in your partner, bypassing their critical parent self. It requires both of you to be open and willing to explore objectively whilst recognising that the feelings are very real. Either of you can take this initiative to name the dynamic. If you are the critical parent partner, you can admit how you got drawn into that aspect of you and apologise for the response. If one of you can do this with humour so much the better. This can then release you from the spell of the dynamic and shift you back into the here and now.