The Harmony, Disruption, Repair Cycle

Harmony, disruption, repair is a cycle found in all significant relationships. Repair is important, but the rupture has to happen first and is therefore crucial. It is the disruption that create the golden opportunities for repair. As repair happens, trust is built up and the relationship grows and strengthens.

Strong bonds in relationships are formed when each person is attuned to the other and therefore giving and receiving positive attention. But it is impossible to be completely attuned to your partner all the time. There are inevitable ruptures in the connection when one of you is not available to the other. Sometimes these ruptures are minor and no significant harm is done. At other times, if one of you is particularly seeking attention and care, the disconnection may be more hurtful. These losses of connection which may range from a callous remark or non-empathic response to complete abandonment. In the former case, we learn to manage our feelings by self soothing initially followed by reaching out to our partners by expressing our feelings and seeking to make repair as necessary. In the case abandonment, such as an affair, the repair may be more difficult and time-consuming. There are then many instances in-between these two extremes such as forgetting an important anniversary, being dismissive of an illness or arriving late for a date. 

Researcher Ed Tronick studied the relationship between infants and caretakers. He found that a harmonious relationship, which he called interactive synchrony, is attained when there is matching, attunement and reciprocity between the caretaker and infant. The researchers micro-dissected films of infant-mother interactions. They found that both participants were closely involved in the interactions which changed on a second by second basis. It was here that they discovered the interactional sequence of harmony, disruption and repair. Strikingly they found that on average mothers were correctly attuned to their infant’s emotional state only one-third of the time. The rest of the time is spent in disruption and then repairing the disruptive state back to harmony and attunement again. The infant’s response to the mis-attunement result in the successful correction by the mother another one third of the time. This has led to conclusion that successful repair attempts are essential for the infant’s development. 

Attunement and connection are just as important in adult intimate relationships. We need to know we have the support of our partner, that they have our back. But inevitably, things go wrong, we miss a beat and inadvertently hurt our loved ones. If we are available and willing to make successful repairs, the relationship builds in trust over time. Bringing ever greater consciousness and awareness to this cycle and the necessity of repair will help you extend the length of time in the harmony phase of your cycle.